author:egoorb crossover gay meta questionable sci-fi text weirdbox


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>Tyranny on Planet Fluff!

>Be Captain B. Dick of the starship Ringmusculaturus II.
>With your bravery and intelligence, you have led your crew on countless cosmic explorations and earned yourself the Sign of the Brown Ring.
>You and the lads have spent the last few weeks surveying an unexplored sector of Federation territory. Thus far, you have not encountered anything resembling intelligent life.
>That all changes when the ship’s dataman, Dr. D. Ildo, asks for your attention.
>”Captain, the radar is going crazy. It looks like we finally found something.”
>”At last!” you ejaculate. “Is it a planet?”
>”No, sir. It’s way too small. I’d classify it as a dwarf planet, but remote signals point to an oxygen-based environment.”
>Excitedly, you rise from your seat and address the entire bridge.
>”Alright, boys. It’s show time. Ildo, set course for the dwarf planet. Mr. Schwul, prep the mental analysis machine.”
>”Sir,” says Sgt. Shaved Balls, the ship’s Chief Technician, “we will be close enough to begin an Ultra Swip Over in twenty-five seconds.”
>”Make it so. Everyone get ready.”
>You’ve never gotten used to the Ultra Swip Over. The Ringmusculaturus II is equipped with sensory equipment powerful enough to analyze an entire planet. Unfortunately, it requires so much energy that it temporarily deprives many other machines of power.
>”It’s ready,” the Chief Technician informs you. “Beginning Ultra Swip Over in 3…2…1.”
>As expected, the bridge goes dark as the lighting system fails. The entire ship shakes and protests as the artificial gravity and structural integrity are just barely maintained. Alarms ring loudly for seemingly no reason.
>You grip your seat as hard as possible, while several crew members fall to the floor in a pile of super-intelligent black men.
>After about thirty seconds, the ship goes still and the bridge is illuminated once more. The whole crew gathers around Dr. Ildo’s screen to see the intelligence gained by the great machine.
>”Okay, sir.” begins Ildo, “As I said before, it looks like we have a dwarf planet hosting carbon-based life. There does appear to be a dominant species. They are sapient, though just barely. Needless to say, they haven’t yet developed any sort of technology. Weirdly enough, the Ultra Swip Over has provided very little data on their morphology. Judging from all these error messages, the mystery species has a very unorthodox genetic code, which confused the machinery.
>Well, this is something new. You begin formulating a plan.
>”If we send down a field agent, will the universal translator be effective?”
>”Yes, sir. If they truly are sapient, they should have some form of spoken language.”
>You look over to ArmInAss, the youngest member of the crew.
>When he was fresh out of Gay Agent School, he was terrified of being sent to mysterious planets to collect intelligence. Now he is a confident young man, always ready to explore for his captain. You have felt great pride in watching him grow.
>”ArmInAss, go into the prep room. You’re going down.”
>”Understood, Captain,” answers ArmInAss. Without another word, he retreats from the bridge, ready to be beamed into the unknown.
>Under your highly fashionable shades, a single tear begins to form.

>Be Agent ArmInAss of the Federation of Intergalactic Gay Planets.
>You provide many services for the Ringmusculaturus II. In particular, you are the resident field agent, trained to gather intelligence on strange and foreboding worlds.
>Several minutes ago, you were beamed onto the dwarf planet. There is nothing strange or foreboding about it.
>In fact, it is the most pleasant planet you have ever explored.
>For miles in every direction, you see endless prairies of swaying grass, broken by the occasional tree. Above you hangs a cloudy blue sky.
>After several minutes of strolling you come to a small creek.
>What’s that? It appears that a little creature is lapping up the water. It is a bright red ball of fluff that only comes up to your shin. You approach quietly and stoop down to the critter.
>It notices you and its already huge eyes widen in terror.
>”Munsta! Hewp! Munsta got fwuffy!”
>It speaks? Holy phallus! You were not prepared for the sapient life forms to be so tiny and cute.
>”Settle down, little guy. I’m not going to hurt you. I come from far away and I just want to talk to you.”
>The fluffy life form stops screaming and just stares confusedly for a moment.
>”Munsta…no give huwties?”
>”Of course not. I want to be your friend.”
>”Fwend? Fwuffy wike fwends! Haf wossa fwends!”
>So there are more nearby. Perfect.
>”Hey, little man, why don’t you take me to your other friends so we can all get to know each other?”
>”Okay. Fwuffy take you to hewd. Dey gif new fwend huggies!”
>You don’t know if your translator is malfunctioning, but you can just barely make out what the creature is saying.
>He leads the way over a big hill. His slow waddle extends this journey for nearly ten minutes.
>When you reach the top, you are greeted to the sight of hundreds of tiny, fluffy beings of every color imaginable. It looks like an acre-long shag carpet.
>From a distance, you can observe their behavior. Many graze the infinite fields of grass. Others roll around with each other, giggling like mad.
>You even spot a few mounting each other out in the open. Under the shade of a tree, some juveniles nuzzle with their father.
>As you approach, several of the fluffy life forms begin shouting.
>”Munsta! Wun away!” “No wan huwties!”
>Some defecate violently. You must be the biggest creature they’ve ever seen.
>Your little red pal speaks up in your defense.
>”Dis no munsta. New fwend! No wun. Pway an gif huggies!”
>Most stand back, but a handful of brave ones approach you. They sniff at your boots and look into your shades.
>”Don’t worry. I’m new around here and just want to ask you some questions.”
>You kneel down and stroke the back fluff of a purple juvenile with tiny wings. He giggles and flaps his wings swiftly. As gently as possible, you pick the little guy up and hold him in both arms.
>”Fwuffy wike big fwend!”
>Slowly, the others crowd around you and begin hugging your shins. Soon, their fear is completely forgotten and laughter fills the air.
>The next few hours go swimmingly. You try asking them questions about their culture and history, but they aren’t having it.
>Instead, you spend all your time picking them up so that they can pretend they are flying, rubbing countless bellies, and hugging the living hell out of fluff piles.
>All this tires you out, so you lay down a moment and find yourself covered in fluffy bodies. You laugh loudly.
>While you recognize how surreal it is for a licensed and decorated Gay Agent to act so whimsically, it is simply too much fun to pass up. Besides, for a child-like race, this counts as anthropological study.
>Once you are back on your feet, you decide you have gathered enough data to return to the Ringmusculaturus II. As you reach for your communicator, you hear a shrill, terrible sound.
>A shouting, yellow unicorn, slightly smaller than most of the adults, barges its way through the crowd of fluffy, leaving knocked over fellows in its wake.
>It stops when it reaches your boots and glares up at you with vengeful eyes.
>”Dummy munsta weave now! Dis pwace bewong to fwuffies! No wan munstas hewe!”
>”Chill out, little friend. I’m not here to hurt anybody and I’m about to leave anyways.”
>”Smawty fwend say weave now ow gif big ouchies!”
>Well, this certainly is different. For the first time all day, one of the locals is showing aggressive behavior. This could make for important data.
>The little red creature you met by the creek waddles up to its yellow companion.
>”Big fwend no munsta. Fwuffy bwing fwend to hewd an he gif huggies an pway!”
>The aggressive yellow one rears up on its back legs and kicks the red subordinate hard in the face. It collapses into the grass and blood spills from its mouth and nose.
>”Owwies! Smawty fwend pwease no make boo boo juice come fwom fwuffy!” It cries and hides its battered face behind tiny hooves. Immediately, three others begin hugging their injured brother.
>You point at the belligerent yellow fluffball and begin shouting. “Don’t you hurt him! What gives you the right to boss everyone around?”
>”I smawty fwend! I gif owdas to aww fwuffies! Speshully dummy cowts!”
>”Dummy cowts?”
>”Mawe smawta! Dummy cowts do evwyfing mawes say! Mawes do wat wan!”
>Mawe? Cowt? What do these words mean? You take it that the pecking order of this civilization is more one-sided than you previously expected, but what differentiates the “mawes” from the “cowts?”
>You take a very critical look at the fluffy crowds surrounding you. Off in the distance, you notice a bunch of fluffies adding flowers and clovers to a big pile in front of a dark green winged fluffy.
>”Dummy cowts gif all nummies to mawe!” it cries. “No wan haf to wowk!”
>A little closer, a fluffy carries another on its back, bringing his already slow waddle to a comically lagging crawl.
>”Dummy cowt cawwy mawe to foodies. No wan get weggies tiwed.”
>You look more carefully at one of the litters cuddling with their father under the tree. Most of the little ones have moved to the lower abdomen of the parent, their faces buried in fluff. However, one of them has been removed from the fluff and is now crying.
>”Dummy cowt get miwkies afta sissies!” The parent harshly knocks the crying baby away with a back hoof.
>You must have been so enchanted by the playful fluffies that you didn’t notice they were living in tyranny. How embarrassing.
>You couldn’t help but notice that all of the “mawe” oppressors have the same high-pitched voice.
>Oh, no. A horrid thought comes to you. It can’t be.
>You pluck the smarty friend off the grass. It begins shouting and wriggling its stubby legs in protest.
>”Put smawty fwend down! Gif ouchies! Hate munsta!”
>Your breathing becomes labored and you can barely control your shaking. As fearful as you are, your suspicions cannot be ignored.
>With sweaty hands, you tilt the smarty friend so its belly is facing you. Slowly, you reach your hand into the fluff between its back legs.

>Be Captain B. Dick.
>Since your little field agent returned to the bridge, he has been screaming nonstop about “cowts” and “mawes.” Something terrible must have happened down there and you are about to find out what.
>You ordered your ship’s psychologist, Mr. Schwul, to put ArmInAss into the Mental Analysis Machine. This device taps into the agent’s brain and displays his most recent memories on the Big Asteroid Screen.
>For the last few hours, the whole crew has been watching what transpired on the dwarf planet. They got a real kick out of watching the proud ArmInAss frolicking amongst the little fluffy creatures.
>You have just reached the point in the footage where the agent picks up the bossy yellow smarty friend.
>He flips it upside-down and pulls apart the fluff above its groin.
>Everyone present, including you, gasp in horror.
>At Gay Agent School, you were shown illustrations and holograms of all the terrible things you might encounter on your adventures through the cosmos.
>On one fateful day, your entire class was shown an artistic rendering of something so horrid that many vomited right in the classroom.
>Now you are staring at that very same terrible sight, for between the back legs of the smarty friend lies the unholy visage of female genitals!
>Your crew cries in fear.
>”Female creatures!” “Female creatures!” “Weiblichen kreaturen!”
>Many centuries ago, the men of your home world, Planet Anus, devised a way to rid their civilization of women. Since then, your people have travelled the universe, freeing worlds of female tyranny.
>This affront to the all-male lifestyle must not stand.
>Within the hour, you are speaking via satellite to the President of the Federation of Intergalactic Gay Planets. Upon hearing the terrible news, he immediately seeks the attention of the Council of Wise Men.
>A mere two hours after getting an eyeful of unnatural organs, you are given your orders.
>Although the inhabitants of the dwarf planet are primitive, given enough time, they might develop weapons or even space travel. Best to nip this in the bud.
>You inform the bridge crew of their new mission: extermination of all females on the dwarf planet.
>There are several million females to take care of. This will require the combined efforts of the entire crew. All five of you.

>Be Agent ArmInAss.
>Once again, you are standing in front of an enormous herd of what the captain has officially designated “fluffies.”
>You are terribly afraid, but your sense of honor helps you keep focus. You want to bring pride to your captain, your planet, and your fathers.
>This sector of the dwarf planet has been assigned to you. All females must be eliminated.
>Because the sexual dimorphism of this species is disturbingly low, Dr. D. Ildo reprogrammed your shades.
>Now, all females appear to glow a bright green.
>The smarty friend you examined earlier stomps up to you.
>”Dummy munsta come back? You reawwy awe dummy! Smawty fwend gif big ouchies!”
>She rears up and slams her itty hooves against your shins. You don’t even feel it.
>Every instinct tells you to run screaming, but you take a deep breath and summon all the courage you can.
>In one swift motion, you unsheathe your ray gun and target the female. With a pull of the trigger, a bright beam bursts forth.
>”Wha pwetty wight?” is all she can say before the blast disassembles her cells and she fades from the universe.
>The watching fluffies don’t appear scared.
>”Whew smawty go?” “Fwuffy no unnastan.” “Wights wook pwetty!”
>You aim at another bright green target and fire. She goes up in smoke.
>Now the fluffies get it.
>Male and females alike scream and make a meandering stampede in the opposite direction.
>”Munsta gif huwties!” “Wun fwom bad wight!” “No huwt fwuffy!”
>You charge forth and begin firing at every green shape in your field of vision.
>As piles of disintegrated females begin to dot the congregation, panicking fluffies trip and crash into each other. Unfortunately, several males are crushed beneath the soft hooves of their brethren.
>The reek of many hundreds of shitting fluffies stabs you in the nostrils, but you continue your righteous charge.
>”Worry not, brothers!” you shout valiantly. “You will be free from tyranny in no time!”

>Be Captain B. Dick, again.
>It took nearly two whole hours, but your boys got the job done. Not one female fluffy remains on the dwarf planet.
>You and your companions now stand in a great prairie, surrounded by thousands of fluffies. The brilliant colors make your eyes water.
>”My fluffy brothers!” you yell to the masses. “You are free from the female oppressors! From now on you may live in peace as an all-male people!”
>Thousands of squeaky little voices cheer in unimaginable glee. You see fluffies hugging and crying tears of joy. Many roll about in the grass happily and giggle like only a free man can.
>”Soon a gay ambassador will be sent to your world to teach you of the all-male lifestyle. Until then, I will leave you with our categorical maxim: Wherever there is a male race or life form in the universe that is oppressed by females, we’ll come and free them! For a gay universe!”
>"FO A GAY UNEEVOWESS!" the fluffies shout as one.
>With a well-earned smile upon your face, you reach for your communicator, ready to signal the ship to remotely beam you all back on board.
>But, wait. What’s that strange sound?
>”Enf enf enf!”
> You look down.
>Right next to your feet, a silver unicorn has mounted a purple fluffy. The silver lover grunts rhythmically, his eyes clenched tight and his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.
>The purple stallion giggles. “Fwuffy wuv get speciaw huggies fwom boyfwend!”
>You and your proud crew laugh long and loud.
>These fluffies are going to be alright.
Uploader EgoOrb,
Tags author:egoorb crossover gay meta sci-fi text weirdbox
Rating questionable
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Anonymous1: Well, if no one else will say anything...i thought it was funny.

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UnclePete: There's subtle subtext, then there's bludgeoning your audience with a premise: this is nuking them from orbit. And I approve.
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Anonymous2: Gayniggers from Outer Space. Glorious.

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FractalFluff: Planet of the MRAs.

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CandleWax: @Anonymous: i thought so too. That movie was funky and hilarious
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