alicorn death explosion fire fluffy fluffy_dies french frenchmen_die_nothing_of_value_lost history meh safe wwi


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Statistically, This Was Highly Unlikely

You are a dairy farmer, living just outside of Mesen, the smallest city in Belgium. You are fairly fluent in French, the dominant language in this part of Belgium, and you speak a little Dutch, but your native language is English. Your great-grandfather fought here in WWI and loved the place (and the farmer's daughter who became your great-grandmother) so much that he moved here after the war; as a result, half your family resides in the UK and half in Belgium, and you grew up traveling between the two.

Your mastery of English is handy, because fluffy ponies primarily speak English. They can learn other languages, including French, but because of the way Hasbio programmed them they pick up English the easiest and many of the words and phrases built in to the language center of their brains are in English. This is a consequence of Hasbio programming their brains to conform to a bastardized dialect that gave them their 'cute' baby-talk/fluff-speak. If you want to own a fluffy pony, it's best to know at least a little English, unless it was bred and raised in a region speaking your native language and has been taught to speak that language since birth.

Your fluffy pony, however, was not raised in a French-speaking region of the world. You found the pure white, blue-eyed alicorn at a specialty pet shop in London and English is the only language it speaks. It even has that adorable vaguely-British accent that fluffies bred in the UK develop.

You bought him immediately, named him Charlemaigne, which he could barely pronounce, and paid through the ass to get him through customs and take him home to Belgium with you. The kids love him, your wife loves him, and you think he's the most awesome pet ever. Way better than your boring dairy cows.

Unfortunately, Charlemaigne is very accident prone, even for a fluffy. Twice he's nearly suffocated after getting loose in your pastures and getting pooped on by cattle. He's nearly drowned in your stock pond three times. He electrocuted himself by chewing on a lamp's power cord after thinking it was "wall skettis". He fell down the stairs and nearly broke his neck. He almost got hit by a car when he wandered off while you milked your cows, then got scared because he couldn't understand when the driver asked him (in French) who he belonged to and where he lived, decided the man was a monster, and gave him sorry poopies. He also got the shit beat out of him by your neighbor's rooster. Twice.

So, you've decided to give Charlemaigne his own little place to live on your farm, where he'll be perfectly safe. You don't have a room you can set aside just for him in your house, so you went to great expense to do the next best thing. He has a fenced off enclosure full of grass, clover, and poppies, where cows and predators can't enter and he can't wander off, and a specialty fluffy house with climate control, a bed, an automated food dispenser and water bottle, toys, and a small tv permanently tuned to Fluff TV Euro. He loves it, and the only time he isn't in his own little area is when the children are playing with him or when the family goes on holiday and brings him along.

It should be perfectly safe.

Should be. Unfortunately, a series of contrived coincidences have conspired against you, and Charlemaigne is quite possibly the star of a real life version of Final Destination. A fluffy can only cheat death so many times, after all.

A little known fact about Mesen, also known as Messines, is that it once was the site of the largest non-nuclear explosion in the first half of the twentieth century. In 1917, the British army decided that they didn't like the stalemate against the Germans and that the best way to solve this dilemma was with a fuck-huge explosion.

So they dug a total of 21 mines under the German trenches and filled them with over 600 tons of explosives. General Plumer, in charge of the operation, glibly stated that "we may not change history, but we will certainly change geography". 19 of the 21 mines detonated, killing 10,000 German soldiers in the blast, and the explosion was heard all the way in Dublin. You know, the place in Ireland.

The two mines that didn't detonate, however, were forgotten about until 1955, when one was detonated by a bolt of lightning and exploded, vaporizing a dairy cow but fortunately producing no other casualties and no significant property damage. You can still see the crater on your neighbor's pasture.

The other mine still has never been discovered.

Until today.

Flight 298, a refueling tanker for the French air force, has been forced to divert its course due to a freak storm. After some bitching back and forth, the tanker was given permission to divert into Belgian airspace to get around the storm, then reenter French airspace so it could take place in the military exercise it was supposed to be participating in.

Unfortunately, the freak storm moved faster than anyone could anticipate and Flight 298 was caught in it anyway. The winds buffeted the huge aircraft, nearly tearing the pilot's arms from their sockets as they wrestled with the controls in an effort to keep the plane aloft, and a bolt of lightning struck the wing, blowing out two engines and setting fire to the aircraft.

"Mayday! Mayday! Nous allons vers le bas! Mayday! May-nous baisé!"

Charlemaigne looked out the window of his special fluffy house, whimpering at the scary sounds the storm was making. Then he saw the giant, flaming bird falling from the sky directly toward him and made scaredy poopies in his soft, warm beddie.

"Oh, poopies."

Flight 298 crashed directly into your farm, right on top of Charlemaigne's protective sanctuary, and exploded in a giant fireball. The shock of the impact and subsequent explosion detonated the tons of military explosives that had been lurking under your farm for over a century. The crater is larger than your farm house and barn combined, and is currently covered in tons of burning jet fuel that even the wind and rain cannot douse. Your cows are stampeding in panic.

Your eye twitches involuntarily as you watch Charlemaigne and all of his expensive safety measures and toys disappear in an enormous explosion. You barely react as the windows in your house all shatter, your expensive china is thrown to the floor, and your wife and children scream in fright at the deafening explosion. Your beloved pet now exists only as carbon particles thrown into the upper atmosphere and whipped away by the violent thunderstorm.

Next time you'll just get a fucking cat.
Uploader Swindle,
Tags alicorn death explosion fire fluffy fluffy_dies french frenchmen_die_nothing_of_value_lost history meh wwi
Rating safe
Source Unknown
Locked No


- Reply
DevilSlayerUno: Insure that shit man.
- Reply
NuWanRong: Final Destination: Fluffy Edition. ^_^
- Reply
Anonymous1: SWINDLE! oh my god I didn't realize you were back!
- Reply
Anonymous2: Wow, the fact that you tied in a historical event in this story is magnificent, props to you Swindle
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BGMOTH: Oh, come on!!!

Until Final Destination had sequels!

Please do not let it die Charlemaigne, at least until he takes his name.

You could start with a "Shaw-wi-ma-nu no few gewd"
- Reply
Anonymous3: Sequel: Charlemaigne crawls out of the crater, fluffless, but otherwise unharmed.

- Reply


The one thing we can all agree on.

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taufan99: @GRANPA156: Just asking, does Great Britain really hate France THAT much just like USA?

- Reply
schadavi: @taufan99: I don't know. On a scale from 1 to Justin Bieber, i would rate the average french a 6.
- Reply
kibbles_n_tits: Eh, the French aren't that bad. At least they uh...


Huh. I got nothing.

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the_dodge: @GRANPA156: if you guys hate us so much then stop moving to france, you limey crumpet suckers.
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kibbles_n_tits: @the_dodge: you're french?

- Reply
taufan99: @kibbles_n_tits: Born in Albania, and transferred to France when he was a little kid because of Kosovo War.
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kibbles_n_tits: He's got good taste in vehicles for being European then
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Swindle: "Hey Homer, which is your least favorite country: France, or Italy?"

"Hmmm... France."

"Heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy."

*adjusts targeting for giant space laser*
- Reply
Anonymous4: Funny, we don't mind Englishmen that much in France. I wonder why the UK is so butthurt, the neverending centuries of war are over for a while, now.
Americans, however, are another story...
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Anonymous5: I'm laughing entirely too hard!
- Reply
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