Hello fluffybooru! This will be my first post in this page! After months of lurking and reading tons of stories, I decided to contribute with my very own, I hope you enjoy it.
I want to thank Fatalsirenz for the help! Thanks for helping me with the couching needed to make this my first post in here :)
Now, without further ado, enjoy!
Hans, get the flamethrower
The sun is high on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The air is crisp in the springtime warmth.
You inhale deeply at the scent of fresh cut grass from the neighbors down the road.
"Ahhhh! Nothing can go wrong on a beautiful day like this!" You think to yourself closing you eyes listening to the chair creak back and forth. You shake your can of beer realizing it's empty before forcing yourself up to head inside and grab another. Then, it hits you.
The rancid smell of fluffy shit. You half turn around in the doorway into your house and squint your eyes trying to see where it's coming from. The privacy hedges at the end of your property begin to rustle and shake. And the unmistakable sound of fluffy voices can be heard.
You clench your teeth. "So much for my nice fucking day..." You grunt out to yourself.
You sigh and take a few calm breaths. You aren't some psychotic asshole who gets off torturing fluffies for shits and giggles. But you hate them and have come up with a few idea that you think will be quite funny how to deal with this particular herd.
"Well, I guess this is as perfect as a time as ever to try out the new gear!" You smile to yourself and can't help but let out a a chuckle.
You slip into your house and head into the garage from the side door and grab your new toy. The "Flamefluwer 1.0." Off the work bench in the corner. Simple but effective was the mindset when you designed it. A super soaker modified to be able to a pseudo napalm fuel made from gasoline and frozen orange juice (gotta thanks the fight club for that) with a modified tip... Well more so you taped a zippo lighter to it .
You stare down it with a half frown. "This is gonna fuck up the yard..." You think to yourself. But you force yourself to think of the positives! Leave a few alive to spread the tales of the man with a flame gun! No fluffy will ever thing of stepping foot on your yard again! You grab the fire extinguisher in the corner and crack your neck and click the garage door opener grabbing your old welding mask off its hook on the way out.
As you get outside, you spot the herd, seven fluffies, three stallions, two mares and two foals, both foals are on top of a blue unicorn mare with orange mane, the other one is a pink earth mare with piss yellow mane, doesn't seem to be pregnant but seems happy to help the other one with her foals, one of the stallions is looking cautiously, probably the smarty, a red pegasus with a violet mane, the other stallion is a light brown with the same color of mane, the last one is a puke green earth with brown mane, one of the foals seems to be a red unicorn with pink mane and the other one is a cream pegasus with light green mane.
As you expected now your yard is half eaten and half covered in shit by this little pests.
The fluffies haven't got your attention yet, not even the cautious smarty, so you decide to clear your throat "Ahem" then yell the classical, "what the fuck are you doing in here"
The fluffies, as you thought, froze in fear from and an orchestra of farts and shit breaks the silence, the look at you with total terror and suddenly the mares run to the each other hugging themselves forming a pseudo fluff pile with the foals, while the smarty and the 2 stallions are in front of them, for "protection" you think and laugh.
Its the first time you see that they go for a fluff pile for safety instead of running away when they are in obvious danger, "stupid creatures" you say, whatever, they are going to take a taste of fire today!
The red fluffy approaches you, at first it wont recognize you are a human thanks to the welding mask you are wearing, but that doesn't seem to intimidate him.
"WAI DUMMEH MUNSTAH IN HEWDS SAFE PWACE! GU WAI! DIS IS SMAWTY NEW WAND!" he says, while the other stallions are cheering at the actions of their leader
"SMAWTY SHOW WHY SMAWTY IS BESTEST SMAWTY EVAH AND KIWW DA MUNSTAH!"
You look down to meet his eyes and don't say a word, you like to build up the mood.
"DUMMEH MUNSTAH NU WISTEN TO SMAWTY????? SMAWTY GIVE SOWIEST HOOFSIES AND WOWSTEST STOMPIES AND OWWIES TO DUMMEH STOOPI MUNSTAH!"
Again, you calmly stare at the smarty without saying a word, seems like its working, you see the little red rat waddling at you at an impressive 2mph speed, he starts kicking your shoes and bitting your laces, after a few seconds you think its enough and start with your plan.
"So unwise" you say before lifting the smarty and before he or his toughies can even say a word, you throw it as hard as you can against the still immobile fluff pile.
BOOM, the fluffy hits the pile, not even the toughies could react.
As soon as the smarty hits the pile, you can hear the cries of the mares and foals.
"HEWP! WAI SMAWTY HUWT MAWES! MAWES WUV SMAWTY HUU HUU NU HUWT SPESHUW FWEND!
PWEASE DUN WET MUNSTAH GET BESTEST BABBEHS SAVE BABBEHS FWOM WOWSTEST HUWTIES
HUU HUU WAI SMAWTY HUWTS BABBEH AM WITTOW BABBEH JUS WAN WUV AN MIWKIES!
SHADDUP STOOPI MAWES AN BABBEHS IS NU SMAWTY FAUWT!! MUNSTAH FAWT!
Their cries are like music to your ears, but you have to continue with the fun.
Build a fluffy a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set the fluffy on fire and he'll be suffering until he dies, you say, before pumping the gun and lighting the zippo.
You aim at the blue mare, and pull the trigger, flames appear and before any fluffy could thought about it, it hits the mare.
SCREEEEEEEEE! HEWP BUWNY HUWTIES!! HEWP HEWD! HEWP FWUFFY!
PWEASE BUWNY MUNSTAH GU WAI FWOM FWUFFY! FWUFFY IS MUMMAH! NEE GIV MIWKIES AN WUV TO BABBEHS!
The now flame ball fluffy starts running around in circles trying to convince the fire to stop burning her. Surprisingly for you, the fluff absorbed most of the napalm, so far your yard is remaining intact. The mare starts running in circles for a solid minute until she runs to the others.
The rest of the herd now runs in panic, trying to find a way to escape, much to their bad luck they cant do much, so they start running around in circles and crying.
BABBEHS! GIB MUMMAH HUGGIES! HUGGIES MAKE EVEWTHING BETTEW! PWEASE BABBEHS!
The other fluffies were smart enough to run away from the flaming mare, but her foals were not so lucky, her mother, having the mentality of a rock, thought that hugs will make the fire go away and threw herself at them and started hugging them, much to your disappointment, you wanted to play a little more with the foals.
Now, you have three flame balls screeching at the top of their lungs and running in circles trying to turn outrun the fire, you watch and laugh when you feel a slight tap at your shoe, smarty is back for more.
Stoopi munstah! weave speshul fwend awone! gib wowstest owwies!
SHUP UP YOU SHIT RAT, you yell, while delivering a kick to his side, not so strong, you don't want to kill him yet.
The mare and both foals now stopped screaming and running, the napalm burned out, consuming all the fluff and flesh in the process, damn, fluffies turn into charcoal really quick...
Three down, four to go.
You look around for your next target and voila! the pink mare is now hugging the puke green stallion, repeating that hugs make everything better and for some reason that the monster will not get them, you will never understand that logic, you aim your toy to the head of the stallion and pull the trigger, and like music to your ears screeches of agony and fear flood your yard as now two burning fluffies are desperately running in circles trying to somehow save themselves without any luck.
This time you grab the fire extinguisher and point it at the screaming bastards before the fuel consumes totally, fire is now gone but the napalm is sticking to their flesh and apparently its stinging like hell because they are now shrieking in a way you have never seen a fluffy do so, you will deal with them later, if they are alive of course.
Now where is that smarty and his walking turd that calls a friend.
You look around and at the corner of the fence you can see both of them frantically trying to dig out a hole to escape, but not this time! you say.
You aim and realize you have the perfect angle for a balls + anus shot, you don't have to waste this opportunity, steadily you aim and pull the trigger, and in a second you have a screaming smarty, with a look of absolute panic as his balls and anus are now a flaming mess.
SCREEEEEEEE! SMAWTY HAVE WOWSTEST HUWTIES IN SPESHUL WUMPS AND POOPIE PWACE! HEWP!
PWEASE TOUGHIE FWEND HELP SMAWTY!
NOT IN THIS LIFETIME YOU WASTE OF AIR!
You scream and pull the trigger once more, now aiming for the body.
Bullseye, all those video games really gave you a killer aim!
The smarty runs around in pure horror as the fire consumes all his fluff and starts burning his flesh, he then jumps and rolls in the grass trying to save himself from the fire.
With a mild success he sets the fire off and tries to relieve his pain by crying and wheezing.
You have an idea now and walk towards the smarty, stomp the fire nearby to avoid spreading thru your yard and you get to down your knees to speak with the now agonizing smarty.
Hey little pal! did you ever thought when you woke up today that about this time you and your herd were about to get fucked up?
Come on! have a look to what you caused!
Then you so pick him up and not so gently show him the scenario, the blue mare and foals are turned into charcoal , no one could ever tell they were fluffies, the pink mare is now dead with a expression of pure agony on her face, the green stallion is vaguely moving and wheezing, and the remaining stallion was in shock, not moving a single muscle, you drop the smarty and hear a few bones break.
SCREEEE! PWEASE NU HUWT SMAWTY ANYMOWE! JUS WAN SAFE PWACE FOW HEWD!
You brought this to yourself little fucker! now if you excuse me i have to burn down your last friend, feel free to expire anytime! you happily say as you aim your toy at the last fluffy.
You pump the gun and aim to the now motionless fluffy, and pull the trigger.... but something is wrong! there is no blazing fluffy, there is no screaming!
The fluffy is still alive and well! that cant be, you say.
Then you inspect the gun, fuck, empty tank! and you were having so much fun!
Now you think of what to do, you don't have more fuel, you must think fast, then it hits you! this little shit rat will serve as the example to other ferals out there.
Hey you! the waste of space over there! can you still speak? you scream at the fluffy
F-f-fwuffy can stiww tawk mistah munstah p-p-pwease nu gib fowebew sweepies wike west of hewd
Says the shit colored fluffy
Alright, buttwipe, now you listen to me as hard as you fucking can
O-o-otay mistah m-m-munstah f-f-f-fwuffy wistens, says the horrified creature
What you just saw in here, i want you to remember and do it good, i want you spread the word to any other friends you have outside that this will happen to you or any other fluffies dare to take a step in here, i will make you suffer in ways you cant even imagine, understood?
Y-y-y-yus m-m-m-mistah f-f-fwuffy wiw n-n-nu come back huu huu
You then open the fence gate and just to be sure, when he is walking out you decide to give him a goodbye kick in the balls, as hard as you can so he wont forget not to mess with your yard again.
The fluffy is now flying until he hits a tree nearby.
Owies! nosies huwt speshul wumps huwt! huu huu! cries the fluffy as he stands up and waddles away.
You turn around and inspect the damage, most of the fuel was absorbed by the fluff so your grass remains almost intact, nothing that some hard work cant solve, on the other side, almost all your yard is covered in crap, you heard that fluffy shit is actually a really good fertilizer so it will help the grass grow faster, since the fluffies were burned almost instantly, no blood was splattered anywhere, so all in all you can say your little toy is a great success, you stomp the wheezing stallion, throw him and the rest in a garbage bag and throw the bag away for the garbage truck to pick it up.
You sure love the smell of napalm in the morning, you cant say the same of the smell of burnt fluffies and shit.
Fucking shit rats.